ABOARD THE NO. 7 TRAIN, NEW YORK CITY - John Rocker rode the 7 Train in New York City but no one noticed. It wasn't for lack of trying. At least 1000 reporters and cameramen were on-hand in addition to 500 police officers and thousands of Rocker-haters all hoping for a chance to kick Rocker's butt.

True to his word, Rocker road the train, but his disguise was so clever that no one noticed him. Despite his 6 foot plus and 200 pound plus frame, and his nervous twitching, the outer disguise worked.

Rocker wore elaborate jewelry, including earrings, a diamond watch and a Mr. T starter-set of gold chain necklaces. His effeminate double-breasted Italian suit and outlandishly mousse-laden hair-style was adequate camouflage. He was holding hands with a hulking hairy-backed man wearing a shoulder-less evening gown, a five o'clock shadow and a Dolly Parton wig with a pink streak. The couple frequently embraced and murmured French endearments as part of their act.

Rocker said still thinks New Yorkers are a bunch of foreign-speaking, gay-looking, weirdos. "We couldn't wear outfits like that or hold hands like that in Macon without trouble," Rocker said. "My covert camera man filmed the whole thing. We didn't get even one double-take. When in Rome, wear your toga. When in New York, just dress and act weird," Rocker said.

As expected, the Bibb County Commission ignored the issue of more money for Bibb schools. Schools weren't a high priority relative to other business at hand. The 25 or so people there to comment on the issue were not allowed to speak. The commission addressed renaming some roadways and adjourned in time for an early supper.

Several commissioners favored renaming a portion of Gray Highway as the "Groovy Highway." Commission Chairman Larry Justice wistfully reminisced about the fun he had in the sixties. "It was groovy, baby," Justice said.

After lengthy discussions, the commission adopted a resolution supporting the naming of Gray Highway from Shurling Drive in Macon to the town of Gray in honor of former state representative and prominent Macon attorney Denmark Groover. Groover also served as a fighter pilot with the famed Black Sheep Squadron in World War II.

"Yeah, baby, groovy. Groover is close enough to "Groovy," Justice said. "OK, let's split."

The state Board of Transportation has been asked to name the highway in honor of Groover. The DOT board will consider the request later.

 Allen says irrational behavior justifies drug tests for Bibb Commission

A few months following the forced retirement of the former Bibb Public Works director known as "the slave master," rampant drug abuse plagues the department. Could it be depression and pining for the old slave master? More than 10% of Bibb County's Public Works employees failed a recent drug test. Those numbers are leading to some changes.

Bibb County Commissioner Joe Allen said, "I'm going to ask that everyone be tested from Larry Justice, the Chairman, and all our Commissioners all the way down to last county employee. In accordance with our policy, the unexplained behavior of the commissioners certainly justifies the testing."

Allen further recommended that all county commission candidates be tested, especially Republican candidates. "The mere fact that they're running as Republicans is irrational behavior and that justifies the test. Better to find out who the dope-heads are BEFORE they get elected...especially if they're running against me," Allen said.

ATLANTA - Atlanta officials are considering selling naming rights to corporate sponsors for the Hartsfield International Airport to raise money for additional security, sewer lines and other needed airport improvements.

Impressed by the millions of dollars corporations are willing to spend to hang their names on stadiums, sports arenas and race tracks, City Council President Robb M. Blind has led an effort to sell the naming rights for city-owned landmarks, including the airport.

Blind estimates Hartsfield's name could be worth up to $200 million over 10 years. The airport became William B. Hartsfield Atlanta International Airport in 1980, named after a former mayor who worked to make Atlanta a center of aviation. It is the world's busiest airport.

Blind insists that he would not abandon the Hartsfield name, but simply add the name of a corporate sponsor after Hartsfield. He also said individual concourses could be named after sponsors. For example, Concourse B could become the Preparation H Concourse, the Maalox Concourse or the Monistat 7 Concourse.

Reaction among the airlines and passengers has been mixed.

"The Hartsfield CocaCola Airport doesn't have a ring to it, but it's definitely better than Hartsfield RotoRooter, or Hartfield Depends Diapers or the Hartsfield Oscar Meyer Wiener International Airport," said Bubba Horner, a departing passenger. "Those food names are really mean-spirited since starving passengers will be leaving planes after a meager portion of airline food. It's really not fair," Horner said.

FARGO - Bees buzzing around the gallberry bushes near south Georgia's Okefenokee Swamp this spring found less nectar for making honey and less pollen for food, thanks to a 7th straight year of Clinton economic policy.

Dry conditions mean flowering plants don't produce as much pollen or nectar, the sweet liquid bees collect from flowers to make honey. Some scientists blame Clinton for the below normal rainfall. Others think the bees are altering their behavior in response to economic incentives. Honey production is down 25% compared to normal levels.

"Don't mix your honey and your money," said Frank Ernest, spokesman for the Clinton administration. "It's like comparing apples and oranges to blame honey production failures on the administration's policies. Since the Paula Jones thing, the President avoids all briefings that mention honey or cigars."

Others, however, insist that Clinton is to blame.

"We think the bees know that Clinton's big-government policy is to steal the hard work of the industrious and give it to non-producers," said Clem B. Partisan, of the Wonks Against Clinton. "Why should bees want to produce honey if it's just gonna be swiped by government? Then again, why would they work hard to make honey for an ungrateful beekeeper? We're not sure. Americans buzz about it but keep on working, and the federal beekeeper keeps taking more and complaining about lazy bees," Partisan said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Jami.